February 8, 2012

On Pregnant Brain

Being pregant is very much like having early onset dementia.

This morning I tried to wash my hair with my facial cleanser.

When the kids ask me something, I have to repeat the question to myself 2 or 3 times before I actually understand what they are saying enough to be able to answer. And it's not as if they are asking deeply intellectual questions. It's just usually something like, "Can I have a drink?"

Last week, I led the grocery store carry-out boy to somebody else's SUV. I got frustrated when I couldn't get the back door open and felt completely stupid when I hit the unlock button again......only to hear my SUV beep at me from three parking spaces over. There were no cars parked in between that SUV and mine. When I realized I was standing at a Tahoe and not a Suburban (yes, I drive one of those freaky, large bus things), the carry-out boy asked me, "Did you think your car had shrunk while you were in the store?" I just mumbled something about not enough sleep.

The other day, I managed to walk into, step on, and pinch my finger in nearly everything possible. I even bumped my head on our basement ceiling. Now our basement is nearly 100 years old, but I've never, ever come close to bumping my head down there. I'm nearly certain that my recent weight gain is not from increased height.

But "mommy brain" may be just as bad. There's always the "lead of hettuce" or the time I answered the phone during supper and instead of saying "Hello," I started praying, "Dear Jesus..." I crossed my fingers hoping for a telemarketer, but it was one of the husband's customers.

Maybe it's just me....

February 7, 2012

Things I Never Thought I'd Say...

....until I became a mom (and a dog owner)

~ Don't do grandma's choreography on the kitchen table! This is not Summer Stock.

~ I will clean your poop out of the attic after we finish making these hamburger buns.

~ Don't run through the house holding that metal rod up to your eye!

~ Please stop batting at that angry hornet with the grill scraper.

~Belle! I am not a sheep! Stop trying to herd me!

~ It's not proper to sit on your sister like that.

~ I don't think it is a good idea to pole-vault with that old broom stick.

~ I will play Kung Fu with you after we clear the table.

~Let's just let Belle fight off that confused and possibly rabid muskrat in peace.

~Let's not pretend to give each other "shots" with that bow and arrow.

~Please throw your toenails in the garbage after you are done admiring them.