It Fits

When I was a little girl, about four years old, I drew a picture of what I wanted to be when I grew up as a preschool project. The teacher came over and asked what she should write at the top. I proudly stated, "I want to be an exercise lady on t.v." She looked at me in a funny way, but then proceeded to label my drawing as such. What else could you do with a picture drawn of three women wearing brightly colored leotards and ankle warmers?

Over the next years, I tried out many careers, always making my little brother be my side kick. I continued with the "exercise lady" stage, wearing leggings under a swimsuit and marching in the living room while announcing "one, two, three, four, and kick, two, three, four...."

Then came the news anchor phase, where I, of course, was the head anchor and poor little brother was the co-anchor. We would freqently say "Back to you Paul Douglas" and I would make my brother call me "Diane."

The next and longest phase was probably the most loathed by my brother who found himself the sou chef for my cooking show. Every Tinker Toy, marble, and Lego we had was organized by size and color and seperated into little bowls that I would use to prepare my homestyle cooking for a tv audience.

We then became lobster fisherman, pretending to throw huge, heavy lobster crates off the back of our ship a trailer that I remember was covered with hornet's nests. A sting on my little brother's foot put the kabosh to that phase.

Then came the desire to be a spy, which may or may not have ever left. (ahem.) And I'm not just talking investigation or recon or technology expert. Nothing but covert special ops for me, which is particularly amusing as I had have a rather irrational fear of the dark. My little brother and his friends were usually my prime target.

When I "grew up," I started my first job as a Starbuck Dairy Queen girl. The seasonal, retro walk-up style Dairy Queen became a second home for me and to this day holds some of my most potent memories of life and love. It was a truly beloved job for me; I was asked to become the assistant manager around my junior year of highschool, and of all the jobs I've held, this was my favorite.

Next came college and many years of patient care in a variety of venues mixed in with almost two years of work as a lab assistant and substitute teacher in the science department at the community college. Even in this stage of my life I toyed with the idea of different career opportunities. My grandpa wanted me to be a meteorologist on the weather channel, I had secret longings to become an archaeologist, and biochemistry was a thing of beauty to me.

Eventually I ended up in a 2 1/2 year stint as a Nurse Analyst and discovered the growing field of informatics. It oddly clicked with my brain, and a small part of me felt compelled to pursue this world of interfaces and blinking cursors.


In all those childhood years of pretending and dreaming and playing, I liked everything I wanted to be and knew that I could probably do any one of them....well, except for maybe the lobster fisherman thing....and, uh, the spy thing. But none of them quite fit. There was always a part of me that felt unused.

In my college years I was told to be many things, a politician, a motivation speaker, a writer, an English teacher (which is laughable in light of the horrible grammer I use on this blog). While all of them intrigued me, none of them seemed quite right. Or rather, none of them seem to fully fit, something always felt incomplete when I imagined myself as any one of them.

And in all the jobs I had, there was always something I loved about each one, but there was never one that felt complete. Not one of them ever seemed to fully fit me.

But now there's this, this stay-at-home mom, homemaking gig.

And finally, it fits. My last day of work outside the home was only 2 months ago, and I haven't once had the urge to look back. It's like another homeschool mom said to me in reference to when she stopped working outside the home, "It was like the last puzzle piece slid into place." And of course this is not all true for every woman out there, so that's why I speak only for myself when I say that for the first time since college, or likely even earlier, do I feel like I am using every part of myself. So far, only as a stay-at-home mom and homemaker have I been able to do everything I've ever wanted to do. No part of me feels unused, and never have I been more challenged or fulfilled.

Through-out all the exercise lady, cooking show, and lobster fishermen play, deep down I always knew I wanted to be here where I am now. And in all of my different --ologist fantasies, I knew that while fun, none of them would fit my soul like the perfect puzzle piece fit that is this motherhood/homemaking thing for me. Sure there's a little bit of sacrifice to be here. No good thing in life this side of heaven comes without a bit of sacrifice. I won't be here forever, and I know that life has other things in store for me down the road. But for now, I'm enjoying being where it fits.