What God Chose to Give

The humidity was so.very.intense. The air felt thick enough to cut with a knife.

It was oppressive, and I found it hard to breath.

But I realized it wasn't the heaviness of the air that was causing my laborious breathing. I was, in fact, sitting in a comfortable air-conditioned building.

Something was wrapping sticky tentacles around my chest and clamping down. Something wanted me to abandon trust, hope, and faith. Something wanted me to worry, feel sorry for myself, and succumb to anxiousness. Something wanted me to see the past as perfect, the present as painful, and the future as foreboding.

I just wanted to push away the feelings, to pretend they weren't there, but I knew that would only give strength to this something. I knew I had to face this something, to call it out, give it a name, and give it to God.

I also knew that facing this something meant facing myself, facing the possibility of mistake or failure; it meant facing a decision we had just made - the one we felt God leading us to; it meant facing the loss of what was now our past.

I left the comfort of AC and walked through the sun-sorched parking lot, beads of sweat forming before the door even closed behind me. I jumped into the vehicle, my body welcoming the AC again. And after only a few short miles home, I again transitioned from AC to uncomfortable heat to AC.

The heat seems worse when you jump from heat to comfort to heat to comfort. What if I closed off the door to comfort behind me? What if I just embraced the heat instead of hiding from it?

Have I become too used to the comfort, to the usual, to the routine? The jovial customers, the happy site of the tool truck rolling into the yard, the pride of self-employment.....

The business that was once so new had now become commonplace. The husband-toolman so good he no longer had to try. The routine of the weeks so reliable I could plan through them with ease.

Of course we still needed God. Who doesn't? I had prayed for the husband, for protection and honesty. I had prayed for the business, that it would be marked with integrity. I had prayed for the customers, that no purchase would ever put them into financial hardship but rather blessing. And I knew.....that on Mondays this happened, on Tuesdays this happened, on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays.....this is what would happen and I could plan, sculpt, and schedule our days with ease.

It was time to face the heat again, the heat of traveling a new road and of giving up the familiar. And it was time to face the heat inside me; the something that was clamping down on me.

It was doubt. Just doubt. All those "what if's" going through my mind proved that it was doubt.

What if we heard God wrong?

What if this all one huge mistake?

What if this isn't best for our family?

What about our business?

What if.....?

What if.....?

And really, what if? Is there any "what if" that God doesn't already know about?


And "what if" I just focus on what got us to this point, what we believe God chose to give, instead of focusing on all the "what if's" in the future? The list of things, the open doors, the heart preparations that brought us here show me clearly that this is the path we are to walk right now.

And "what if" our business was never meant for us? What if we were just supposed to build it, keep it, grow it until it's real owner was ready for it?

What if this is just another step, another learning curve, another life lesson along our journey? What if it doesn't matter who thinks this is wrong or crazy or right?

So really, what if?

Doubt, I know you. I know what you feel like. I've faced you now, and I'm moving on.

God, here's my doubt.

So, I face the feelings and move past them, allowing myself to feel them fully, to sit in the heat and sweat it out, but not giving them an inch to move me.

Because this thing that God chose to give us really is a blessing even when it seems that in the same motion that God gave He also took away. Even in the blessing, there's a wilderness before me, and I feel the weight of the responsibility that comes with the extra measure.

The heat of the day is still so intense, but its effect on me is subdued. Someday the refreshing cool will come again, but for now, I'm gonna seal the lid down on this pressure cooker to see what the heat brings.

I stand before this next wilderness choosing to believe that God brought us here even though it doesn't always make sense. I look back and realize it's been around a year since I emerged from the previous wilderness. With a tot holding each hand, I take inventory of all I've learned from each previous wilderness I've walked.  I take hold of this new measure of talents, not shirking at the unkown, knowing my routine is gonna get messed up, knowing there are gonna be hard days,  remembering the words I spoke for the next distributor that I also secretly spoke for us:

"It's not just about surviving the moments, surviving the uncertainty and waiting for the clarity. It’s about living right through it all, it’s about learning from it all, and it’s in knowing that these messy, crazy, uncertain moments are the ones that make us who we are.

To letting go...

To taking risks...

To ignoring the path of least resistance...

To this beautiful, messy life….

And even more importantly, to the One True God who’s in it all: He made it all, He’s orchestrating it all. May He get all the glory...

Semper Fi."

Semper Fi. Semper Fidelis. Always faithful.

God, find us faithful once again.