Twice Now

I've said it twice now.

{29 weeks}

Once I was sorta joking.


And the other time I got a little choked up because I really almost meant it.

I wish I was having twins again. A boy and a girl.

It looks crazy all typed out like that.  And I'm certainly not going to go so far as to say having twins is "easier" like I've heard one or two other mothers of multiples say (not that I would know.....yet).

But there's something about seeing them together now that makes me finally realize what a special gift they have in each other. From the moment their lives began at conception, they've always had each other. For better or for worse, they've shared nearly every minute of their lives. And while being their mother has required every ounce of God's all-sufficient grace (when I remember to use it), a heap of determination (at least this one comes naturally), and some sturdy arm muscles (if only I looked as buff as I feel), I'm trying to get myself to stop and recognize what's so unique about twin siblings.......something I probably didn't do in their early years when I was working so hard to balance identical routines for them with unique identities.



The year after their third birthday was tough - just lots and lots of sibling rivalry between those two - so.much.fighting. But since they've turned four, it's as if they've turned over a new leaf.

The first time I mumbled it to myself, the whole "I wish I was having twins again," I was standing in the kitchen watching them through the window playing so happily together. It's something I've done so often, but something about their camaraderie, their desire to share their discoveries with one another, and their care for each other just struck me in that moment. They completely get each other, even though they have polar opposite personalities, and when I think about just having one four year old, it does make having two four year olds seem easier.

The second time the thought jumped into my heart, the three of us were driving home. Jack-Hammer had stayed with one of the brunettes' husband and their boys so she and I and Ava could go to a jewelry party. Jack had a blast and in the short time we were gone, those 4 guys did as much guy-stuff as they could. There was some really minor incident with an excavator (a real one, not a toy) and Jack, and he had to tell me about it as soon as I got back. As were driving home, Ava turned to Jack and said, "So you fell off the excavator?" And the daddy caught you?" (which is a slight exaggeration of what really happened, but it's how Jack perceived the whole event). Jack answered, telling Ava all about the scenario. Then, after a brief pause, Jack let out a little obligatory sigh and said to his sister, "So what was the party like?"

I can't even remember what she answered, but I remember being so struck by this whole little conversation they had without me. They had been apart for 2 hours and had to spend some time catching up. My heart throbbed within me as I realized how blessed they are to have each other, and I wondered what in the world our lives will look like 4 years from now. I related their dialogue to the husband and asked him, "Four years from now when we have two eight year olds, who's the four year old going to play with and talk with and share life with?"

I suggested a two year old, but he only guffawed.

What Happens When You Give Your Husband the Camera

He's always happy to take pictures when I hand him the camera. And he had already changed out of his Easter best, so it seemed like a nice opportunity to get some shots of me with the kids without me having to run back and forth between preschoolers and setting the timer on the camera.

I usually choose the settings and let him snap away.

And snap away he does.  A nearly empty 8 GB card is like a challenge for him. How quickly can I fill it up?

It always makes him particularly happy to capture more elusive expressions, like the one below where I am telling him about that very 8 gig card that does not need filling up in that exact moment.

I've been told this is an expression to watch for: the one-eye-half-closed-eye-twitch which is also a hallmark expression of one of the brunettes.....or so I've been told by her husband.

The look may sometimes be followed by a very fleeting both-eyes-closed-eye-twitch.

The inherent problem with this expression is that it rarely to never yields the desired response. A playful smirk and chuckle is usually all I get.

After a few more snaps and a change in angle, I get asked "How do you focus this thing?"

To which I apologize and ask for the camera back so I can switch it off back-button focus.

But no, he says "Just tell me how to do it." And he then proceeds to take the only family photo we've had taken since last fall.

Can you find Waldo?

My little girl is close to mastering the both-eyes-closed-eye-twitch. I am so proud of the legacy I am leaving.

Another thing about the husband having the camera is he neglects to tell you, "You look more fat than pregnant right now. Try scooting forward on the chair, roll your shoulders back and down, and turn a bit more to the side."

When you finally get your camera back, he digs out his new video recorder that he "needed" for work...

...on which he continues to take still shots because it's just so much fun.

About the Weather

Well, I'm sitting here blogging almost guilt free. I should probably be in bed, but other than that, there's nothing else screaming for my attention at the moment. The first thunderstorm of the year just ended, the house is quiet, and after an hour of gymnastics, baby-on-the-way has finally settled back to sleep.

I spent the past week using every possible free second to basically re-do the Pollyanna script to reflect the changes we've made over the past 3 months, stage right/stage left entrances/exits, and all lighting and music cues. I finished it this afternoon, got it printed for the lights guy, the sound guy, and the stage managers, and now I am taking a little break from Pollyanna stuff - that is until tomorrow afternoon when the last of our rehearsals - and the beginning of our rehearsals at our actual performance location - start. We get to kick off tomorrow, though, with Jack and Ava's first trip to the dentist. Words can't really describe how much I am not looking forward to that.

One would think that with some guiltless time on my hands I would be able to crank out a great post. But again....I have nothing. Every now and then, two or more coherent and connected thoughts will travel through my brain and make my fingers itch to type in order to see what those two thoughts become. But it never gets that far.

So, when it doubt, talk about the weather, right? Isn't that the basis of all small talk?

This spring really just has been unreal. It's April 2nd and I already have noticeable tan lines. There's a strange combination of mud boots and flip flops laying by the back door. The kids play outside a gloriously large portion of the day. We will likely need to mow before Easter, although it's not likely it will actually happen. The garden has been tilled, just for the fun of it, and the ground smells warm and sweet, and it's taking everything I have to not starting pushing seeds into the soft more-perfect-than-it-ever-was-last-year dirt.

I can hardly believe that these pictures are from March...

....when last year at this time, it looked like this...

....after our well pump stopped working due to corroded wires from "excessive moisture."  We had to tear up a good chuck of the lawn that had just been re-seeded the previous summer to get the well-truck thing out there. The wires were replaced, and everything worked beautifully until this past weekend, when a year later - almost to the day - the pump stopped working again.....because it had died. Fortunately, it waited until after 3 1/2 of us had showered for the night.

At least that wasn't about the weather.

MPowered

It's funny what can transpire in a year.

A year ago at a tool expo in Florida we felt ourselves settling into owning a business. The husband loved his costumers, and they loved him. The 5-years-in-business mark was getting close enough to see. The husband had brought us into the top 200 distributers in the nation, and our eyes were set on top 30.

We had found a rhythm, a predictable routine that I had mastered. I loved the sight of the store-on-wheels rolling in and out of the driveway every day, and the kids loved visiting Daddy on his truck.

So it felt completely natural to laugh away the very pointed "If-you-ever-have-the-opportunity-to-be-a-district-manager...." questions that came our way all during expo 2011.  For whatever reason, our senses were dulled to the path of clues that was layed out during those four days........until the flight home when I abruptly woke up from a nap on the plane. In that moment, it suddenly hit me that so-and-so said he was being promoted, leaving his job wide open. It was obvious to me that our current district manager would fill his shoes leaving his job wide open for.......my husband.

"But we can't leave our business!" I almost shouted out to everyone in the plane before I melted into my favorite defense mechanism - sleep.

And the thought never came back to me again, until the night in April when the husband told me he was asked to apply for the district manager position in our area. All of my in-flight pre-suppositions had been right on the money.

So we tiptoed our way through the summer, taking the next steps, trusting, wondering how far to go, and just walking through each open door. I was cryptic with my words as I went months keeping the secret and wondering why I was so emotional over a tool truck.

The agonizing weekend of waiting for the company's decision landed over the big wedding. To this day, I'm still not sure if the words in my toast were for us or them: "...it’s not just about surviving the moments, surviving the uncertainty and waiting for the clarity, it’s about living right through it all, it’s about learning from it all, and it’s in knowing that these messy, crazy, uncertain moments are the ones that make us who we are."

Finally, we knew and I let more out...

and then we slapped a smile on our faces and seized the day...

and we got through the whirlwind of ramping up...

and then...

it was expo again.

 

Expo 2012: MPowered. All the dust from the ladder climbing has settled, and we find ourselves, the driven, type-A perfectionists that we are, standing in the whirlwind of Las Vegas wondering how District Managers and District Managers' wives act at expo.



And then he just does it. The introverted, anti-social, small-talk loathing, slightly critical husband of mine laughs and smiles and everybody-in-the-district includes his way through a week of 16 hour days. He unknowingly takes me on a journey of seeing past the first impressions, seeing past the exteriors of our distributors to the people that are really there.

The Vietnam veteran living with side effects from Agent Orange.

The dad helping raise a step-son with significant special needs and proudly telling me of his step-son's contagious laugh.

The goofy, fun-loving couple putting their customers first and adoring their grandchildren. 

 

{alas, too much light and no tripod for a truly good long exposure shot}

And somehow we've melted into these roles.



{a friendly bystander was willing to take our picture}

I can hardly believe how much change can take place in one year and how we settled into the change so much quicker than I ever deemed possible.

{he was even a camera turner! but we ruined the shot}

It's just all a confirmation that we are where God wants us to be....

...and that the things He gives (and takes away) really are good.



Expo is like life; it is what you make it and what you learn from it.

A Heap of Random

I think all bloggers struggle with the phenomenon of having more to say than they have time to write here. All the ideas, thoughts, and posts that never actually make it to the screen frustrate all of us that endeavor to write.



And while I've experienced this in the past, this whole lots-to-say not-enough-time-to-say-it thing is not my current reason for the pitiful amount of posts I've been churning out lately.

No. Rather, it's the opposite. I feel I have nothing to say.

No words. No thoughts. No deep probings into my sub-conscious.

I suppose this could be due to being pregnant. Or maybe it's due to every ounce of my creativity going into the large drama production of Pollyanna I'm co-directing and producing. Either way, my brain honestly feels blank most days.

I remember the heavy posts I used to write, the way writing them was almost a birthing process, a self-realization, and often-times a God-realization. But now, I've got nothing.   And when you've written with that magical word-soul connection in the past, it's hard to just force the words out now for the sake of posting something. In fact, writing without that magic almost seems pointless, futile, and a waste of time. Without that magic, all I've got here is an endless stream of sentences starting with conjunctions.

But (see, I told you) in an effort to the keep the fingers nimble, I give you this post with a heap of random.

********************

I'm not crafty. People always like to feign shock when they hear this. Apparently, I give off some sort of "crafty" aura or something. But I really dislike cutting and gluing and trying to make something pretty out of a pile of little things. I love the finished products that other people make, but actually pulling everything together, making it myself, and dealing with all the mess nearly gives me hives.

I was feeling guilty on Valentine's Day that I hadn't done any projects with my kids. We had just gotten over a bout with the flu that brought all four of us down on different days and in completely different ways, and the seemingly pointless holiday snuck up on me.

But (there it is again) a brief moment of inspiration came over me during lunch on Valentine's Day, and with the help of my little girl's creativity, we managed to pull a project together. The best part of it was that they were gifts for other people, which is my favorite kind of project for 2 reasons:
1. It helps the kids think about people other than themselves.
2. I don't have to try to find a home for yet another creation and go through the agonizing process of "Keep? Or throw"" that inevitably comes when children make things.

Plus, who wouldn't want a re-used pimento jar filled with unwrapped candy fingered by 4 year olds during cold and flu season?

*******************

I love grapefruit. It's like eating little bites of sunshine all winter long. My kids love it, too, and we practically fight over the one whole grapefruit per day that I currently have us rationed to.

*******************

I bought my husband the board game "Axies and Allies" for his birthday. I wasn't supposed to get him anything as we had just purchased a rather large and expensive item for each other that was going to serve as our gifts to each other for the year. But I just got the $25 version of the game instead of the $300 version of the game. (Who knew there were so many different versions and such a wide price range of a board game?)

{insert picture that simply wouldn't upload here}

So one Sunday afternoon, he spent an hour reading the instruction book, an hour setting up the game, and an hour trying to explain to me how to play it. I sort of eventually almost caught on, and six hours later my Allies finally dealt a severe blow to his Axies. It was however, nearly 1:00 am at that point, and we never did see the conclusion to the game. Funny how even with my poor tactical planning skills, the game still played out remarkably similar to the actual WWII.

********************

Nearly every night my little boy wants to sleep in the same bedroom as my little girl. Sometimes she'll go for it, but when this happens it just extends the whole bedtime process to be even longer. I like a strict bedtime routine for them, but I think they know that after 13+ straight hours of being with them, my defenses are low.

{I thought this photo was so sweet on my camera. But then I got it up on the computer and realized she's sticking out her tongue at him.} 

*********************

And there's more. But I think I should post this before my computer decides to hyperventilate and lock up on me again (for, like, the 7th time since I started working on this post. Maybe I'm not supposed to be blogging?)

On Pregnant Brain

Being pregant is very much like having early onset dementia.

This morning I tried to wash my hair with my facial cleanser.

When the kids ask me something, I have to repeat the question to myself 2 or 3 times before I actually understand what they are saying enough to be able to answer. And it's not as if they are asking deeply intellectual questions. It's just usually something like, "Can I have a drink?"

Last week, I led the grocery store carry-out boy to somebody else's SUV. I got frustrated when I couldn't get the back door open and felt completely stupid when I hit the unlock button again......only to hear my SUV beep at me from three parking spaces over. There were no cars parked in between that SUV and mine. When I realized I was standing at a Tahoe and not a Suburban (yes, I drive one of those freaky, large bus things), the carry-out boy asked me, "Did you think your car had shrunk while you were in the store?" I just mumbled something about not enough sleep.

The other day, I managed to walk into, step on, and pinch my finger in nearly everything possible. I even bumped my head on our basement ceiling. Now our basement is nearly 100 years old, but I've never, ever come close to bumping my head down there. I'm nearly certain that my recent weight gain is not from increased height.

But "mommy brain" may be just as bad. There's always the "lead of hettuce" or the time I answered the phone during supper and instead of saying "Hello," I started praying, "Dear Jesus..." I crossed my fingers hoping for a telemarketer, but it was one of the husband's customers.

Maybe it's just me....

Things I Never Thought I'd Say...

....until I became a mom (and a dog owner)


~ Don't do grandma's choreography on the kitchen table! This is not Summer Stock.

~ I will clean your poop out of the attic after we finish making these hamburger buns.

~ Don't run through the house holding that metal rod up to your eye!

~ Please stop batting at that angry hornet with the grill scraper.

~Belle! I am not a sheep! Stop trying to herd me!

~ It's not proper to sit on your sister like that.

~ I don't think it is a good idea to pole-vault with that old broom stick.

~ I will play Kung Fu with you after we clear the table.

~Let's just let Belle fight off that confused and possibly rabid muskrat in peace.

~Let's not pretend to give each other "shots" with that bow and arrow.

~Please throw your toenails in the garbage after you are done admiring them.

Best of 2011

So, I've been meaning to finish this end-of-year project for awhile now. But it was really just too daunting. How am I supposed to pick my top ten favorite photos from 2011? Some pictures I like for their photographic qualities. Some I like for their emotional resonance. Some I like for their true capture of life.

So I thought about just posting my top 10 faves of pictures I had never posted here.

I thought about picking my top 10 faves of each of my kids.

I thought about doing a tribute to feet (you'll get it when you see the photos below).

I thought about posting 10 photos that corresponded to my 10 favorite blog posts of last year.

And now since it's the last day of January, I just did it. I picked the photos that struck a certain chord with me and just went with it. If I had done this yesterday or if I were to do this again tomorrow, I'm sure a lot of these photos would be different. But it is what it is.

So, here they are, in no particular order, and in no particular number (ahem, don't count them), my favorite photos of 2011. As always, these are SOOC because that's still how I roll.

One of the best photos I've ever taken with my old Sony point and shoot. I had just mastered that thing, and then my Jack-Jack broke it. I jimmy-rigged it with a tack and a piece of tape and shot with it for another 3 weeks. This photo was taken with all the jimmy-riggin.

I chose this photo despite the chipped toenail polish partly because someone requested it (you know who you are) and partly because I love the composition. I used to be such a "fill the frame" girl, but I've learned to really appreciate photos with empty space like this one. Another point and shoot favorite.


Not much to say here other than I love how he loves the water. I love how he can croutch down like that. I love his bony back. I love how happy he is at the lake. This is one more fave from the point and shoot. Some days I really miss that thing. It was limited in many ways, but I never struggled with focusing issues like I do with the Rebel, as much as I've come to love that thing.

Those fat little feet of his are out of focus. But I had to post this one anyway. I love how blonde his hair gets in the summer, I love how his cheeks hang like my dad's when he's relaxed, and I love how still and quiet he gets when he looks at books.

Basically all of these photos are from summer. Which makes me wonder if my main motivation behind picking these photos was for their photographic qualities or for the way they make me feel. But it's not worth wondering - the way these photos make me feel trumps everything else. My no-napping 3 1/2 year old would find a spot to curl up every day this past summer and take a nap all on his own. I love the light in this one and the composition and the depth of field.

We have 2 birch trees here, and I love them. I would love to have this photo on a large convas on my wall.

Again, not much to say other than I love how she loves to play at the beach. I love how happy she is at the lake. I love how she asked for braids almost every day this past summer, and I love how I finally perfected them.

Jack-Hammer has 2 pairs of boots like these - one set he got as a gift, the other as hand-me downs. He wore those boots as often as I let him - even on hot summer days. And he's always been my climber. I chose this photo for those reasons and the angle.

This one makes me ache for summer. Look at all that morning sunlight streaming through our east facing living room windows. The kids loved to play half-clothed in the living room in all that morning glory.....and I loved to photograph them. This one I picked for the light, the angle, and the way I managed to get his eye in focus.

I want to reach into this one and stroke her skinny little arm and kiss her perfect little lips. How did she get so pretty?  I chose this one because of Daddy and the pretty little girl and for the color and lines.


More country fair fun. I love this one for his cute face and all the circles. But shooting with a 50 mm prime lens can be exhausting.  I think the way I framed this one works, but I would have loved to not cut off his feet while still retaining the amount of the wheel I did.

Yet another point and shoot favorite. He caught his first fish this day. I love how his feet are always dirty.

I have to be honest. I may have chosen this one because of the huge success I had with my first circle braid. More summertime morning quiet fun in the living room. I love the light in this one and the two little legos at the top of the frame.

I needed at least one more of my little girl. Oddly enough I have more photos here of the boy than of her. And this one just stuck out to me from the past year. I love the focus on this one - something I took for granted with the point and shoot, and this is another favorite from the Sony.

This year did indeed end up being the year of the dslr for me. And I already have some specific photography goals for myself this year....and one I'm already making progress on.

Just think. Next year when I attempt to do this, I'll have 6 months worth of photos of our new baby to add to the mix.